When our son was born I had no idea what or how our breastfeeding journey was going to be. It turned out to be a rocky start, a smooth sailing middle and a bittersweet ending.
Yes at 18 months our breastfeeding relationship had ended and I am grieving. I had really bought into the whole “let your baby guide and decide the weaning” and that I did. You see, but for the work from home thing, I thought I could go six months max. Directly feed for four months, pump in the office for two. God (and Covid) had other plans and we raged on. Until one day I offered the breast to my sweet little baby and his perfect round eyes looked at me, he gave me a sheepish grin and shook his head. No mama, I don’t want milk from you tonight. I thought maybe it was one of those times he went on a brief pause because teething was bothering him or he just wasn’t in the mood. But each day passed, I kept offering but he never latched again. And that was it.
All the professionals - our pediatrician, my OB, the lactation consultant, the great internet - all of them said weaning is not up to you, it’s up to your baby. If you want to wean do it as gradually and slowly as possible to make it gentle and easy for your baby. Blahblahblah.
Nobody ever said that it is possible for your baby to wake up one day and decide that breastfeeding is not for him anymore. Nobody ever said anything about there being no such thing as slow and gradual, when your baby decides that its time.
I cling to him and try to cuddle during times we usually breastfeed and silently grieved and cried inside, thinking, my baby is growing up and he doesn’t need me anymore.
Yesterday on a drive, he got carsick, threw up and for the rest of the ride held onto my arm for dear life, not wanting to let go. I dared try and move or readjust, he just clung tighter and closer, rubbing his smelly chubby cheeks onto my palm. And thats when I realized two things: one, that my baby still needs me, my care and my support, just not through breastfeeding and two, how pure and unconditional motherly love is that I thought how adorable and cute he is, despite being covered in puke and smelling like our bathroom after a bad hangover.